How To Deal With Complainers – Part I
Are you sometimes stuck in situations where someone is complaining and you put up with it – even though you can feel it is not good for your mood – because you don’t know how to stop them? Or, do you even have people in your life who use you as an emotional garbage can and tell you about all their worries, dislikes and pains all the time?
Here are a few things experience has taught me about how to best deal with complainers, in a way that both helps them and protects you from their negative influence. The post is long, so I will publish it in three parts.
Be Present
Remaining fully present in the here and now is crucial when dealing with a complainer.
Complainers aren’t being present. If they were fully present, they wouldn’t be complaining, because they would have no problem to complain about. When we complain, we are hurting about the past, worried about the future, minding other people’s business, or otherwise being mentally somewhere else than here and now. Here and now, we have no problem.
Maintaining present moment awareness is a great service you can provide for complainers. It automatically helps them to come back into the here and now, back to the infinitely safe and accepting part of themselves. You will have this effect on them even if you don’t do anything else. Presence is contagious.
Maintaining present moment awareness also protects you from being contaminated by the complaining. If you remain fully present, just listening and perceiving what is going on without letting your mind analyze, judge and resist, then you remain unaffected. Their negative vibes will not meet any resistance in you, so they will just go through you and do you no harm.
Don’t Disagree
When someone is complaining, and we aren’t being fully present, sometimes their negativity influences us and we start becoming negative too. When I am not in my best shape, and people are complaining, I become aggressive. Then I strongly feel like arguing with them, either because I disagree with them seeing things in such a negative way, or just for the sake of it, because I am being irritated and would love to stomp on their face. The more they whine, the more I want to kick their butt.
That is a trap! The art is to not disagree.
Do not judge them or what they are saying in any way. Just be there with them, fully present to them, and listen. Really listen. Focus entirely on perceiving them and what is going on from their perspective.
Don’t judge what you hear, neither as good or bad nor as true or false. Don’t disagree, and if you can’t help but disagree, at least don’t say it. Most of all, don’t engage into an argument over it.
They are right. From their perspective, things ARE the way they see them, and that is a perfectly valid way of seeing things. Never invalidate their opinion. Never invalidate their feelings, either. It is perfectly okay and right for them to feel what they feel. Believe them and accept whatever they say as valid.
Don’t try to convince them things aren’t the way they see them. Don’t try to make them see things in a more positive light. That too would be a form of resistance. I know it’s natural, when someone is complaining, to want to make them see the bright side of things again. We want them to be happy. But that is pushing our own wishes onto them and resisting what is. In my experience it is not an effective thing to do. Do not try to cheer them up.
Be aware of any energetic contamination that could be happening. Our vibes tend to adjust to the vibes of those around us, that is an energetic resonance phenomenon. Make sure you keep your vibes high, so that they cannot pull you down. Do not let their negativity cause you to become negative and go into resistance.
Just remain present, detached and accepting. The situation they are in is perfect as it is. All is well.
Don’t Agree
Don’t agree with what they are saying either. Neither agree nor disagree. Just don’t judge at all. Don’t even tell them your opinion about their problem.
Complainers sometimes want validation from you. They want you to say they are right for feeling or behaving the way they do. Sometimes they need reassurance, and sometimes they want to feel righteous.
Do not play this game. Even if you agree, don’t say it. This would only reinforce their complaining, create even more separation from themselves and cause them to dwell on their negativity even more. You help them more by remaining in a detached state of observing without getting involved yourself.
So, never invalidate what they are saying, but also never agree with it.
And don’t start complaining on your own, of course. Complaining is often used as a way of bonding. Do not go there.
By being fully present to them, maintaining your vibration high and accepting what they are saying unconditionally without judging it, without getting sucked into their negativity, without disagreeing, and without agreeing, you will already help them a lot while making sure you protect yourself.
Now you can go one step farther. I will write about this in my next post. Stay tuned!
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Thank you for this post Rosine, this comes in at a perfect timing ! We just had a week-end with friends, and a good friend of my man is just always winging and complaining. I found it very draining, and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to be nice, the guy wouldn’t give us a break !
Can’t wait to read the second part of your article, I so need advice on how to handle those situations !!
Thank you so much :)
Cool, Angie! Stay tuned. :)
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