How To Deal With Complainers – Part II
In part I, I talked about maintaining present moment awareness, abstaining from judging, and neither agreeing nor disagreeing when someone complains in your presence.
Create Space
The advantage of such an attitude is, for you, that this way you don’t get sucked into their drama. You remain detached and peaceful and just let their negative energy flow through you without affecting you. They can have any drama they want, and you stay centered in your own truth.
The advantage for them is that this attitude of yours creates space for them to be whatever they are in. In this space they can feel safe because you don’t judge. If you start judging them or what they are saying, arguing with them, or trying to cheer them up, then not only do they have to deal with their problem, but they also have to deal with your reaction to it and its consequences on top of that. This isn’t helpful.
If you remain neutral and detached, almost invisible, then there is nothing to distract them. This way, they are confronted directly with themselves. It’s like you are holding a mirror for them to see themselves in. The whole thing is about them, not about what you think about it. You just support them in finding their own solutions within.
Ask Questions
If after a while of being present, listening and being unconditionally accepting, you see that they are still complaining around in circles and can’t seem to find a way out of that, you can start asking a few smart questions. Questions are powerful. Asking a few effective questions can have a big impact.
Effective questions are questions that help them come back into the present moment, get clear on what they want, let go of resistance, and find a creative solution. Uneffective questions are those that reinforce useless dwelling on a negative focus.
UNeffective Questions
Do NOT ask things like “But why did he do that?” or “How do you feel about her being so mean?”. Avoid any questions that make them focus on negative, unproductive stuff. Knowing why the bad guy did what he did is irrelevant. More details about how crappy they feel also brings us nothing. Do not encourage them to dwell on their unhappiness in a way that serves nobody.
Effective Questions
- Questions that help them to be present in the here and now
We cannot complain when we are being present. We also cannot judge. Complaining means saying “This is bad.”. When you manage to bring a complainer back into the present moment, the complaining evaporates.
So, ask questions that bring them back to here and now. When they are here and now, they are in touch with their soul, this part of themselves that is infinitely wise, accepting and detached.
Examples:
“What are you feeling right now, in this very instant?”
“What problem are you having right now, in this very moment, not in ten minutes or two weeks, but right now?”
“Do you hear the sound of all these cars around us?”
“What color is my shirt?”
“What temperature are your hands right now?”
- Questions that help them to focus on what they want
Complaining is focusing on what we don’t want. That won’t bring us anything but more of the same.
Ask questions that help them focus on what they do want as precisely as possible. And, ask questions that help them get clear on what they want in the first place. Sometimes we focus so much on everything we dislike that we don’t even know what it is that we would want instead. Make sure they know and remember that.
Examples:
“I understand that you don’t like <insert problem here>. How would you like things to be instead?”
“What is it that you want?”.
“What exactly would have to change for you to be happy?”
“What do you really want in life?”
“What are your goals?”
“What are your values?”
- Questions that help them to release resistance
Complaining is resisting what is. We fight reality. Something exists, that we don’t like, and we want it gone. But instead of accepting that it is there for now and taking action towards creating something new, we focus all our attention on disliking what is and wishing it were gone. That is a pretty futile way of spending our energy.
Often, the real problem, that which makes us suffer, is not what we call the problem itself. It is our own unwillingness to accept what is. Our own resistance is what makes us feel bad. When we release this resistance, and embrace what is, then not only do we feel better, but additionally we often also realize that what we thought was a problem isn’t really one.
So, you could ask them questions that help them to tap into inner peace and acceptance, and to realize that what they find absolutely intolerable actually is perfect in the grand scheme of things.
Examples:
“Do you think you could accept that things are the way they are at this time?”
“Is there a way you could make peace with this situation for now, until you find a way to change it?”
“What can you learn out of this situation, that you would not learn if this hadn’t showed up?”
“Who is having a problem?”
“Could you trust yourself to be able to handle whatever comes your way?”
“If you were willing to accept that everything is at all times perfect as it is, what perfection would you see in this situation?”
“If you saw the Universe as an infinitely powerful and loving consciousness, would you feel at peace with this situation?”
- Questions that help them to find a creative solution
Very often, we have all the answers we need already inside us and just need to uncover them. When they are back in the present, know what it is that they want, and release inner resistance, this answer will show up.
You can assist this process by asking questions that stimulate the creative, intuitive aspect of themselves. Encourage them to let their imagination soar and to play around with possible solutions. You can also ask questions that will help synchronize their brain halves. And some that just help them relax and receive inspiration.
Examples:
“If you had a magic wand and could have anything you want, what would you change and how?”
“If you knew what you could do about this situation, what would it be?”
“What really stupid, ridiculous things could you do to inappropriately solve this problem?”
“Would you please touch your right knee with your left hand and your left ear with your right hand? Now the other way around.”
“What is your favorite landscape to go for a walk in?”
“What do you imagine this guy over there does first thing in the morning after waking up?”
Difficult Cases
All this should be enough in most cases. If you manage to maintain strong present moment awareness, to neither agree nor disagree, and to calmly ask a few smart questions, you will create a safe space with no distractions and help complainers to adopt a more empowering attitude and to find their own solution.
In my next post, I will talk about particularly difficult cases, when none of this works.
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