How To Deal With Complainers – Part III
In part I, I explained why when someone complains to you, it is important that you maintain present moment awareness and be really there to listen to them without letting your mind interfere, judge, or comment. I advise to neither agree nor disagree with them, to avoid getting into an argument, and to abstain from trying to cheer them up. You don’t even need to tell them what you think about their problem.
In part II, I shared a few smart questions you can ask to help them out of the complaining trap. These are questions that help them to come back to the present moment, get clear on (or remember) what they want, let go of internal resistance, and get creative in finding a solution to their problem.
How To Use Those Questions
You don’t need to ask those questions in any particular order. Improvise.
- Whenever you see that they are focusing again on the past, the future or what might happen instead of what is actually happening, then bring them softly back to the here and now and to reality.
- Whenever you see that they focus very much on what they do NOT want, ask them about what they DO want.
- Whenever you see that they are all busy thinking about what should be instead of what is, and how much they disapprove of what is, then help them release resistance and tap into acceptance.
- Whenever you see that they are stuck and can find no way out, help them get creative and use their imagination.
This won’t necessarily happen in that order or with equal frequency. Maybe you’ll have to ask twenty-five questions that remind them of what they want, and none to get them creative. So, remain highly aware of what they are currently focusing on, and adjust your response to that. As I said, this is not about you, or what you think about it, it’s about them. You are just there to observe and make sure they maintain a productive focus. It’s all about their focus.
What I said in part I about being present, neutral and non-judgmental also applies here. When you ask these questions, don’t judge their answers in any way. Don’t disagree. Don’t argue or discuss. Don’t try to cheer them up. Don’t agree either. Don’t try to convince them of anything. Be present and listen. Unconditionally accept any answers you get as perfect and valid.
If for example you ask whether they think they could accept how things are at this time, and they reply that NO, they can totally not put up with this intolerable shit, then that is perfectly fine. Your question itself will have set an impulse in their brain, opened up one possibility. More is not required. If they choose to resist, that is their choice, and it is perfect. Don’t try to force or “guide” them in any particular direction.
Also don’t try to come up with solutions for them unless they explicitely ask you to help them brainstorm. Don’t try to solve their problem for them. You might think you know what they should or could do, and of course you want to help them – but we can never know what is best for someone else.
You certainly can encourage them to take action towards creating something new in their life that they like better than what they are complaining about. It’s not your job to solve the problem for them, though. You support them by making sure their focus is conducive to them solving it by themselves. That is enough.
How About Difficult Cases?
Complaining in itself is nothing bad. It can be very freeing to rant and vent. It unblocks creative processes, releases negative emotions, and helps us gain clarity. When we feel stuck and helpless, it can be incredibly valuable to have someone we can complain to and who will support us in getting unstuck. I see nothing bad with it as long as it remains occasional and leads to the issue being addressed and solved.
When complaining is used chronically without any real will to change anything, that is when it gets unhealthy. Especially for you, if you are the one who’s listening to it.
If you manage to really maintain present moment awareness, to neither agree nor disagree, to create a safe space for them to evolve in, to not interfere with their mental and emotional processes, and to calmly ask a few smart questions without judging the answers you get, you will easily lead complaining people to a more empowering attitude and coach them towards finding their own solution.
Sometimes though, applying all of the above will just not work. They will just keep stubbornly complaining, as if they did not really want to feel better. It might even get worse.
Unwilling Complainers
Some people actually don’t want a solution or an empowering attitude. They are very invested in their problems and attached to their negativity. It makes them feel good to feel bad. They might be attached to one particular problem to the point of making it a defining part of their identity. Or they might be attached to having problems in general, and will come up with a new problem as soon as you help them solve the old one. Either way, you cannot help them feel better because they don’t want to.
Some people also are mostly interested in your reaction to their complaining. Everything I said here about remaining neutral and almost invisible and holding a safe space for them to be confronted with themselves and tap into their own resources in… does not work with them, because they want you to react.
For example, some use complaining simply as a way of getting your attention and energy. They don’t want anything to change at all, but they feed off the energy it costs you when you feel bad about their complaining. Some feel self-righteous and endlessly want validation from you about their victim status. Some want to start fights in order to feed their addiction to conflict and drama.
There are many possible reasons for people to complain that have nothing to do with wanting to solve a problem or improve things. I won’t go too much into details here. I’m not a fan of analyzing other people’s behavior and reasons to do things too much.
You need to understand that some people don’t want to get better. Even when they loudly claim to want it and seem sincere about that, subconsciously they don’t really want. Just have a look at the facts and at their actions. Do they really seek help? Do they really look for a solution? Do they really invest time, effort and money into getting better? Do they make choices and act upon them? Do they seriously consider any help they can get?
Or are they only willing to talk (especially when you are nice enough to listen) and chicken out when it comes to taking action?
There is nothing bad or wrong about any of this. It is their choice, and we respect that. That’s not a reason to play along, give them your energy and ruin your own mood.
Unable Complainers
Some people also are really willing to get better, but they are in such a bad place physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, that they are just not able to.
In my practice I find people with big damage on their chakras and such heavy blocks and restrictions at soul level that some choices simply aren’t available to them, they lack the energy to take action, and they feel so bad in such an irrational, uncontrolable way that they just won’t be able to shift their focus towards the positive. In these cases, they don’t have the capacities to get ouf of the crap with just a bit of friendly coaching.
You might also be dealing with people who are severely depressed, suicidal, suffering from past trauma, having mental disorders or similar serious issues.
So this is not about blaming them, it is about understanding your own limits. You are not a professional. It’s not your job to help them, and you aren’t trained to do it.
There are plenty of healing methods out there, plenty of ways to solve problems at the emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual level. There is the Soul Realignment clearing work that I do of course, but also classical psychotherapy, energy psychology, Reiki, EFT, NLP, acupuncture, couples counseling, and a lot more. You can bring these resources to their awareness. You can tell them to get professional help. But you can’t make them feel better against their own will or current ability.
Now how to deal with them when they are concretely sitting in front of you complaining? You’ll learn about that in my next post. :-)
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This is so very true! Complaining by itself is not a sin! If the person doesn’t want to be helped, then they could keep creating this reality that they can’t do anything about because they are unwilling to or, as you said, unable to. :)
There is another thing you can do when they complain: you can ignore them and shield yourself from them. It’s understandably hard for highly sensitive people to do this, but it’s a viable option for everyone. :)
Love you! <3
Practical tips come in part IV. I didn’t include ignoring and shielding, that is true. I find that extremely difficult to do in cases of really chronic, heavy complaining. I also naturally prefer a more offensive response. :p