From Atheist to Psychic – How this Work Came to Me, Part 1
This is the story of how I went from being a hardcore rationalist and atheist to working as a professional psychic. It has about 3,000 words.
When I was very little, I would often talk with my mom. We had a habit of sitting together on the stairs outside, and I would ask her tons of questions. How do planes fly, why is grass green, and so on. I remember I loved those conversations. I was so curious about everything.
When I was four, I asked my mom what God is. I must have heard the name somewhere. My family are hardcore atheists. Not only that, they are even terribly allergic to everything related to religion and/or spirituality. Maybe I heard my grandma say “Gott sei dank” (=”thank God”). It’s a German standard expression. She often says it when she means “fortunately”.
My mom explained to me that many people believe God made everything in the world. I replied “I don’t believe that. Because, if God made everything that exists, then who made God?”. Didn’t seem too logical to me.
When I was seven, my grandma ceremoniously told me that now I am “groß” (=”tall” but also “grown-up”). So I thought it was time for me to decide upon God’s existence. I thought about it a lot, for three days or something, examining all the arguments for and against, and in the end, I decided that God does not exist.
For many years after that, I called myself an atheist. I believed I was nothing but my physical body and my conscious and subconscious mind, and that when I’d die, my consciousness would just dissolve and disappear. I wasn’t particularly scared of my own death, but I was really terrified at the idea of my mom dying.
I was a rationalist and a very mental person. I was living mostly in my head. Every one of my beliefs or opinions was based on rational arguments.
During my childhood and teenage years I had a few strange experiences, like this one where I felt like my consciousness was everything that is and that I was being the whole world.
A few times I saw events that actually happened shortly afterwards exactly as I had seen them, as well as people who weren’t really there.
Once I unmistakably saw a ghost. One night I saw a woman in the yard of the cathedral of Perpignan, in France, where I was living at that time. This yard was closed with gates and no human could enter at night. I saw her from my bathroom window above the yard. She was wearing long, white clothes, a veil over her head, and was walking around, alone and sad. I rubbed my eyes but she was still there. Then to my great astonishment she just walked through a stone pillar! I observed her for a moment then she just vanished.
I am talking about these experiences as they seem relevant now in hindsight, but back then they weren’t important to me. I simply dismissed all of this as hallucinations or as my brain storing memories backwards. I thought I was neurologically disturbed and didn’t talk about it. I certainly wasn’t the kind of person who’d see ghosts or read about astral travel! I didn’t even know astral travel existed. All spiritual matters were completely foreign to me.
Around the age of 18 I totally crashed. I got physically very sick, became obese, had nervous breakdowns, fell into deep depressions, broke off my studies and entered several years of dark, dark struggle. I was so depressed I almost killed myself several times. I couldn’t really work. I ran to doctor after doctor but nothing helped. I even spent three weeks in a psychiatric clinic.
Sometimes I would hear a female voice call my name with authority, as if she were trying to get my attention or to call me back on the right path. “Rosine! Rosine!” I heard it but didn’t know what to do about it. I was feeling so lost.
I was really motivated to get better, so I started to do a lot of research and explored positive thinking, healthy diets and behavioral psychology. Because of my mom, who had always successfully cured her children and rabbits with homeopathy, I was familiar with alternative medicine and turned to it when all conventional doctors failed to help me.
One day, in Saarbrücken, Germany, where I was living at that time, I went to see a doctor who was into Ayurveda, and he immediately sent me to an energy psychologist.
I remember the first time I went to see her. The room was beautiful and decorated with big plants and strange pieces of art. There were two rattan seats on the floor. She was wearing wide, colorful clothes in natural materials. I thought “Wasn des für ne Esoteriktante!”. That’s difficult to translate, it means something like “What the fuck is this esoteric mama!”. Although she did not talk in any way about anything spiritual, I just could feel it in her vibe, house and outfit.
I liked the esoteric mama very much. I kept going to see her, and she helped me a lot. Going there was always a soothing, centering experience. I felt so unconditionally accepted by her – something I really needed and wasn’t getting from myself. It was like everything I was feeling, thinking, doing and experiencing was perfectly fine with her. I thought I was crazy back then. I thought there was something very wrong with me. Meeting someone who found me perfectly normal was a life saver. She said I was just highly sensitive.
It was mainly a normal psychotherapy, we’d talk, but she abstained from labeling me with any mental illnesses and she also taught me EFT. EFT was my first experience with “energy” techniques. It worked tremendously well on me.
During this therapy with her, I discovered and played with a lot of new things, like energy work, energy healing, meditation, subjective reality and the Law of Attraction. She wasn’t the one who told me about these things, but I’m convinced that her presence in my life indirectly caused me to open up to them. And then I learned about them by accident, on websites I was sent links to, in books I stumbled upon, from new people I met, and so on.
I could clearly see these things work in my life, but I was still approaching them from a rational, scientific viewpoint. It was still just energy stuff. Vibrations at the physical level. Like in physics, which I had studied. Think radio waves, cell phones… We can’t see it but it works. I thought along the lines of: In the Middle Ages magnets were thought to be from the devil because people didn’t understand them. Now every child learns in school how they work. Some day quantum physics will be able to explain all this.
I still believe that one day science will be able to rationally explain everything, but the difference is that now I have let go of the need to explain it rationally.
What changed my perspective? One day I had a very impressive Out of Body Experience, which proved to me without the shadow of a doubt that I am indeed able to fly around without my body. Which means, I also exist independently from my physical body, thoughts and emotions. Which means, my consciousness won’t dissipate when I die. I have something I can call “soul”. You can read the story here. My brain didn’t know what to do with this new fact, so for about a year I ignored it and didn’t think about it. But then I had to allow it to completely destroy my world view.
After this, things accelerated a bit. I found a book by Jerry and Ester Hicks called “A New Beginning”. It said “You are a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to learn and grow”. Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks! When I was studying literature at University years before I had read the Bible, the Koran and looked into Taoism. I liked some of that stuff (especially the way Allah is depicted in the Koran) but none of it really resonated with me. When I read this one sentence about me being a spiritual Being incarnated on Earth to learn and grow, though, it felt SO TRUE! It resonated with me so deeply. I knew I had found something really important.
So I got into New Agey stuff and learned a lot about higher selves, spirit guides, astral planes, reincarnation, archangels and the like. One day I read somewhere “Look at who you hang out with online, it says a lot about who you are”. Suddenly I realized that my entire online world was FULL of psychics all over the place!
I heard about a guided meditation called “Meet a Guide”, by Jeff Lilly. I was curious about meeting my higher self, so I did the meditation and asked to talk to my higher self instead of a guide. It was a very impressive experience. (You can download the meditation here, and it’s free.)
I remember in the meditation I was walking over a beach, into a garden, and there, under a tree, there was a bench. I sat down on the bench and my higher self appeared. He (it was a guy) was dressed like an English gentleman of the 19th century, with one of those funny hats and long dark suits. He sat down next to me and looked at me. I don’t remember what he said, or even if he said anything at all. What I do remember is how loving he was. He was radiating so much love that just by sitting next to him I felt very loved and accepted. It was amazing.
I was feeling so lost, anxious and desperate in that moment. “What should I do??!!” I asked him. “What am I here to do? Please tell me! Who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What should I do with my life?!!”.
At that point my depressions were successfully healed and I was out of most of the crap I had gone through, but I still didn’t know what to do professionally. I had tried out so many different things and just couldn’t find anything really meaningful. I had always felt I had some kind of a mission in this lifetime, but I had spent so many years searching for it, and could never find it. I was starting to believe I would never find out who I am and that I would die having never done anything of true value in my life.
I don’t remember what my Higher Self replied or if he replied. But soon after this experience, I felt inspired to buy a book called “Unlock your Intuition” by Andrea Hess – but then I didn’t read it. It just sat on my shelf untouched.
Since the time when I had learned about energy work and energy healing, I had toyed with the idea of becoming an energy healer. I started a training to become an animal healer. But soon I realized it was a lot about acupuncture, Bach flowers, homeopathy and herbal treatments, and not about energy healing. It wasn’t what I really wanted, so I broke it off.
I felt attracted to Reiki and Quantum Touch. But then again, not really. I even bought a book about Quantum Touch and practiced it a bit, but I just didn’t feel fully motivated. I tried several times to take Reiki classes, but every time something would come up and it didn’t happen. It was weird. Something was holding me back. It just didn’t feel quite right.
Once I met an energy healer on top of the famous Pic de Bugarach, a mountain in France that is said to have a very special energy. My parents happen to live right next to it. This energy healer checked my “healing abilities”. He scanned my hands and said the flow of energy through my hands wasn’t very strong, and that I wouldn’t be very good at energy healing techniques that operate at the physical level (like Reiki or Quantum Touch). I believed him because deep down I knew he was right. I was sorely disappointed.
But, he said, “I feel very strong energy on your Third Eye. You would be great at healing people with the power of your thoughts”. This didn’t make much sense to me back then. Now it does. What I do now, spiritual healing, is basically facilitating healing purely through the power of my intentions. But back then, I didn’t know spiritual healing even existed. I only knew about energy healing, which is a different thing. All I saw was yet another dream crushed.
Later I met other energy healers, who noticed me and taught me the basics of their technique. At that time I happened to be staying at my mom’s place where they happened to be staying too (My family have an inn on their farm where tourists stay when they want to spend time in nature, hike or drive around the area). I was helping my mom do the dishes and went to the dining room to get some dirty plates. They were there, asking other guests to blindly pick a bottle of essential oil preparations in a bag. Then they’d put some of this on the person’s wrists, which was said to be beneficial.
They asked me if I wanted to pick a bottle too. I was amused and agreed. I randomly picked a bottle in the bag, it was a dark green one (healing). When the lady put some on my wrists, Oh my God!!! Suddenly it was like a huge wave of energy going through me, starting in my hands then going all through my body. Whooommm! The lady thought the alcohol in the preparation was burning me and said something soothing that I don’t remember. I was so overwhelmed and felt so weird that I could not even reply. It was like I was exploding. I started sweating, panting, shaking and screaming “Aaaahh!!! Aaahh!!”. My mom says it was very impressive. I found it highly embarrassing, as I couldn’t control myself and none of the other persons in the room seemed to feel any noticeable effects from their own mixture.
The energy healers said I had very strong healing and creative energy and absolutely needed to express it. They taught me their technique. But here again, I’d sporadically practice it here and there, without feeling truly motivated to get good at it. It just didn’t feel entirely right. However, for the first time, I felt validated in a way. After years of desperate searching, for the first time I thought I was on the right track and that maybe there was some kind of a talent I had and could use in a meaningful way.
Some time later I booked a reading with Anna Conlan. It wasn’t very clear to me why I was doing this, I just felt it would be a good thing to do. I was shy about my bad English so I ordered a written soul profile reading from her. She wrote that I am a healer, and a Blueprint Deliverer, and a lot of other interesting things, all of which I did not really believe (back then. Now I know it was all accurate).
Anna cleared away two big blocks I had at soul-level, both blocking my Third Eye chakra – incidentally, the one about psychic abilities, intuition, and seeing the truth of who we are. These blocks were clouding my self-perception and preventing me from finding my path. It was a bit like going around blind.
After the reading, for a while nothing happened. Then everything happened very fast. I grabbed Unlock your Intuition, which had been sitting on my shelf for over a year, and worked through it. I took tons of classes, bought courses, read books, listened to psychic development audio programs, got coached, and learned everything I could about psychic development.
I got in touch with my intuition, learned to hear and recognize it. I learned to connect to my Higher Self, ask him questions and get answers. First yes/no questions, then open-ended questions. Then I learned to talk to my spirit guides and developed the habit of talking to them regularly. They are a cheerful, loving bunch and they even have humor. I love them. They roll their eyes at me quite a lot, but in an affectionate way, when I am being overly insecure or stubborn.
One of the first things I asked my Higher Self once I was able to talk to him was the “big question”, the one that was most torturing me: which career is most aligned with my highest path and purpose?
No matter which career I asked about, I kept getting “no” to everything! Journalist? No. Programmer? No. Energy healer? No. Organic Food Shop Employee? No. Animal Caretaker? No. Geeeez. I kept asking about dozens of possible, increasingly eccentric careers. … Astronaut? …Circus Acrobat?? …Policeman??? But I kept getting “No, no, no…”. In the end I asked half jokingly “Psychic?” and got “YEEEESSSS”.
I was flabbergasted. Never would I have dared to think I could be a psychic. I mean, I didn’t see ghosts nor talk to angels as a kid!
But I trusted and went for it. I had seen how immensely useful it was for me to be able to talk to my Higher Self and spirit guides, so the idea of helping other people connect with their spiritual team seemed a very loving thing to do! So I kept practicing my psychic abilities and learned to talk to other people’s spirit guides too, not just my own. Anna Conlan taught me a lot during that time. I also got trained in Soul Realignment by Andrea Hess.
Soul Realignment combines soul-level healing with psychic readings. Although it actually is a healing modality, back then I did it mainly for the psychic reading aspect, not so much because of the healing aspect. It was awesome because it taught me to read a person’s soul record in the Akashic Records. This gives me access to all the information available about a soul, including past lives, parallel timelines, soul evolution, life lessons, soul-level gifts, spirit guides, and a lot more fascinating things.
Well, that’s it. After completing my training I started my practice and continued my education with Soul Realignment levels 2 and 3. I became a professional psychic.
That’s how I went from atheist to psychic. The story doesn’t end here, though. The second part is about how I went from psychic to spiritual healer. To be Continued!